Desire for You

So yesterday after the party, I co-washed my hair and then braided it for the next morning. Unfortunately, the braids did not fully dry by the next morning. So I pulled my hair back in one. Whenever I do that with moist hair, the front of my hair becomes super straight. So I decided to pull all my hair up to the top of my head to night to straighten the hair in the back as the front and the hair style I came up with was so... Beyonce. Well not blond enough nor big enough but it is exactly the picture that came to my mind as I finished off the style. Well I'm only sleeping in it because I refuse to go out like this...well maybe someday. Unfortunately the style is a little to little girlish for me, even though I seem like the type of person to love the little girl styles.

Part of me doesn't want to change my hair up too much because I do not like having to explain it to people who do not completely comprehend. I do not shy away from those opportunities but I do not confront them all the same. A part of me knows that I will be hurt by someone saying, "Why don't you just straighten it?" or someone pretending they know more about my hair than I do. SMH. I love my non-black peoples. I do sincerely. But if my husband happens to be someone who is not black... I don't know what I will do. What if he likes my hair better straight? Or what if he wishes it were longer? Or what if ...

I'm not gonna get married? What will I do then? Will I build my whole life off a dream that isn't intended to happen? Tonight at prayer meeting, I was reminded of the evangelistic work God wants me as a Christian to do. And if you call yourself a Christian, He expects it of you too. Today, there were more testimonies about divine appointments in which someone was able to share their faith with someone else. As I heard these testimonies, I thought of times over here in California in which I could have shared my faith. And I wondered if maybe God wasn't going to use me anymore because I had neglected to properly spread His word. I mourned in my heart for the lost opportunity and I pleaded that God would send another divine appointment my way and that I would testify of Him openly and honestly. I was reminded of what my prayers have been about recently: Men. And I compared the two things: My desire for men and the need I have to evangelize. Then Leslie Ludy's proposition came back to my mind: What if you do not get married ? The goal of the christian life is to serve God, not to get married. Then I prayed a dangerous prayer. I prayed the God would remove from me my desire for men and replace it with a desire for His kingdom, His people, His word , HIM. Not that I want to be celibate. God knows I do not ! But God is first before any potential man. I want divine appointments! I want to be on fire for God! I want to live a life that is pleasing to God! I want God to live through me. I know that if I delight myself in the Lord, He will grant me the desires of my heart. And He may just have to change some of those desires.

I can tell you one of the desires of my heart is that I want longer hair. And as much as I do not want to wear this hairstyle outside this house, I can tell I'm feeling it by the amount of pics I'm taking. To those out there who do not understand this post, let me summarize. My hair is fly and Jesus is FIRST! No if, ands or buts about it! He even comes before my hair.