There is such an imbalance in my personality my very nature is so sensitive and yet I want to be so accommodating. I think I accommodate so that I don't get attached to anything so that my hopes and expectations are not dashed when things don't go my way. Within the last 7 years I realized I have a voice that can demand what I want and get it. But I back down when opposed. And when I do get what I want I back down in order not to upset anyone because other people deserve to have their wishes met right? This accommodating stuff would be so much better if I weren't so sensitive. I need to be that stuck up chick who likes to get her way all the time, and uses all her powers to get her way. Unfortunately, more later
Yeah...problems. I have cried more in these last weeks in front of people than I ever have. First last week, I cried because I made mistakes. This week, I cried because I interjected in a confrontation between John and Nadine ( my host parents) and I felt so justified but I suppose the Holy Spirit is working in me, or maybe it was self rising up in me but I felt remorseful about my outburst and I cried in front of them again as I was apologizing to John. Poor John. Poor host family. I believe crying is a response to the books I've been reading about dying to self. But I cannot discern whether it is the Holy Spirit or self that is causing this emotional response in me. But I am realizing the futility of self and it sucks being unstable. In other news, My hair is a mess. I slept on my twistout last night becasue I didn't want to twist them over again and risk more breakage. One side of my head is all straggly and the other side is full and luscious...
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