I thought I would check in and just let you know... This is a rant. I am wondering why I am in this profession. I hated elementary school. I remember days where I just did not feel like going to school. I would just stay at home. My reason for wanting to be a teacher is because I just want to do it better than my teachers did it. But my problem was never the teachers. It was my peers. And guess what? The same traits that made me dislike my peers (my sense of justice, respect for authority, my sensitivity, etc.) are still in me and the kids today are the same, if not worse, than my peers were back then. I wish I was stronger when I was younger . I will be stronger today. My problem is can I love kids who are like the kids that made my life a living hell when I was younger? All up to you God. They offered me a teacher's aid position over here. Not volunteer and this question about my motivation keeps coming back to bite me. I hated elementary school. Why do I want to be a teacher?
Yeah...problems. I have cried more in these last weeks in front of people than I ever have. First last week, I cried because I made mistakes. This week, I cried because I interjected in a confrontation between John and Nadine ( my host parents) and I felt so justified but I suppose the Holy Spirit is working in me, or maybe it was self rising up in me but I felt remorseful about my outburst and I cried in front of them again as I was apologizing to John. Poor John. Poor host family. I believe crying is a response to the books I've been reading about dying to self. But I cannot discern whether it is the Holy Spirit or self that is causing this emotional response in me. But I am realizing the futility of self and it sucks being unstable. In other news, My hair is a mess. I slept on my twistout last night becasue I didn't want to twist them over again and risk more breakage. One side of my head is all straggly and the other side is full and luscious...
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